I love English. I love to read. But more importantly, I love to write. Everyone has different ways of letting their creative juices flow – sure, I too have several ways. Yet none seem to do the trick just as well as writing does.
But the truth is, I don’t always voice that I write, nor do I call myself a ‘writer’ and I definitely don’t say I’m good at it.
And I’d be lying if I said I’m trying to be humble, it’s not that. I’m a person that always wants to do more. If you’ve read my post on Why My Constant Need To Do More May Sometimes Be Damaging, you’d know what I mean. Now, being that person – means I’m overly ambitious. I set these unattainable goals for myself and coerce myself into believing that I’m doing it so I can ‘push myself’.
The truth is, I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. And nobody else is responsible for that, except me. I put so much pressure on myself to be worthy of a title and success and greatness, that I forget I am human. I am so worried about failure, that I sometimes digress from believing in myself.
Writing a blog doesn’t make me a good writer. Winning a writing competition doesn’t make me a good writer. Nothing, aside from myself, can dictate whether I am a good writer or not. But, it’s hard to do that when I have little faith in myself. Unfortunately, as much as I’ve hoped it’s not true – I do look for some sort of validation to believe, “okay, maybe I am pretty good!” And I get that, I do. But everyone isn’t going to hype me up 24/7, nor will I be complimented every day in the real world – in fact, it’s quite the opposite, I’m probably going to be criticized and torn down before I managed to make my mark. So relying on the validation of others is nothing but deadly.
Despite maybe needing validation and not having enough faith in myself, I’m not dumb, unaware or not confident. I’m aware of the fact that I need to be my biggest fan, I need to believe in myself, and that the world isn’t always going to be a nice place to me. But being someone that tends to overthink and get anxious, whilst being such a goal-getter and dream-seeker, it’s hard to put the bad thoughts to bed even when I know they stand no ground.
So in essence, I don’t call myself a writer because I don’t know if I’ll make it. If I’ll ever get published. If I’m good enough to be one. But, maybe – it’s time to change that.
Time to realize that – only when I start believing it, so will others.
Watch out for that book release in another couple of years, maybe. (let’s hope!)